Major Diversions in Strangeville

The strangest thing happened to me while googling on the web. I wanted to write about dating shows in the Philippines as a prelude to my review of Blind Date which is currently showing on the new, excellent ETC (Entertainment Central) channel.

I vaguely recall one match-making show which I think was hosted by Ronald Remy (remember him?) or someone else, and co-hosted by a dating computer that was embodied in a cabinet-sized box with fascinating blinking lights while speaking in a monotonous synthesized voice – the late ‘60s version of a computer.

So I fired up Google and typed “Ronald Remy” and found a surprising result. It seems that some time in 1968, Ronald Remy starred in a B-movie produced by Americans and titled Brides of Blood. It co-starred Mario Montenegro, Eddie Garcia, Alicia Alonzo, Alfonso Carvajal and some second rate American actors with names like Kent Taylor and – get this – Beverly Hills. And now the DVD is available in the US.

The DVD cover screams “A BRUTAL ORGY OF GHASTLY TERROR!” and is classified under “Horror, Monsters, Mad Scientists, Sequel, Campy ” -- and of course, who would leave out -- “Sexploitation.”

More chilling than these are the directorial credits: Eddie Romero and Geraldo de Leon – two of our most respected (and awarded) directors, hehe. Just like James Cameron (from Piranha 2 to Terminator), Sam Raimi (from Evil Dead to Spiderman) and Quentin Tarantino (from the hack-em-to-death movie Reservoir Dogs to Pulp Fiction).

Brides of Blood is actually the first in a series of gorefests in a DVD package called Blood Island Vacation. Next came Mad Doctor of Blood Island (1969), featuring a doctor “whose experiments combining plant and man have resulted in green-blooded fiends bent on destruction, with only Mr. Ashley and the lovely Angelique Pettyjohn capable of stopping this blood-soaked rampage.”

Take note: everyone else is either a fiend, or demented, but Angelique Pettyjohn is lovely. In this movie, which also casts Ronaldo Valdez, Ronald Remy portrays Dr. Lorca, a character that smells a lot like Dr. Moreau.

As if that weren’t enough, the next year brought Beast of Blood in which a headless creature “swipes human noggins for its own gruesome ends”. And finally, we are invited to “feast your eyes on an evil dwarf, a lumbering monster, a basement filled with chained women, and the wicked Brain of Blood (1971) used in nightmarish transplants resulting in a whirlpool of horror.” Notice here that we get evil, lumbering and wicked folk – but the basement just had to be full of chained women!
Epilogue: My editor has just told me that there was indeed an old Pinoy dating show, but was hosted by Eddie Mercado. The computer’s name was Roda.

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Anyway, before I was diverted, I was about to discuss Blind Date and The Fifth Wheel. Both shows stretch the dating game envelope to weird new dimensions.

Blind Date is not to be taken seriously. To quote one website: Blind Date is the show “where dumb people go to date other dumb people.” Combining insidious match-making with irreverent comments, Blind Date results to disastrous-hilarious first dates.

In one episode, a guy sweats profusely after the girl starts talking about serious stuff. Out of nowhere comes animated computer graphics of an ocean that slowly engulfs the poor sweaty guy, complete with starfish and dancing seaweed and dialogue balloons that say “Glug, glug, glug.”

It’s not all insults, however. Once in a while -- when the cynical producers remember to keep a balanced show -- practical dating tips and gems come out. Blunders are pointed out (like the one where the guy started asking his date up front: “How am I doing so far?”).

Blind Date works on the classic philosophy of learning from mistakes. Only this time, it’s other people’s mistakes.

The other show, The Fifth Wheel, is a devious and sleazy game. The show pairs two girls with two guys with the aim of making a match by the end of the show. For starters, the couples are brought to a suggestive setting like a gym, a pool or even the Penthouse shop in Hollywood.

In one episode, I watched in awe while the slimy guy with the foreign accent and sticky hairdo started pawing the pretty, conservative girl as they “got to know each other” in a gym. Amazingly, although the girl complained about the guy after the encounter, the girl didn’t do anything about it while it was happening! Hmmmm… See how human nature works when TV cameras start to roll?

That’s not all. In mid-show, a fifth participant is introduced (the “fifth wheel”) who starts trying to destroy the budding relationships and build his or her own. At the end of the show, the girls and boys are asked to choose who they would like to continue seeing. If there is mutual selection on both sides, a match is made and that couple wins.

What’s marvellous is how both shows find their quirky participants. More alarming is that the people agree to appear on TV at all. Most alarming is that I have a morbid attraction to these shows.

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For more fun reading, check out the Blood Island pack at DVD Planet (http://www.dvdplanet.com).